Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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