At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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