There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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