Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
