remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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