im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just invented taco cereal.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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