I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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