I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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