I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
