i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
