I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
