I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
