Cold hands, warm shart.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
did i walk over a car last night?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
