I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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