There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I had to cum in my sink.
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