I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
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Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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