Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
