please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
