spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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