my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
