We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
