It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
