So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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