Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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