my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
