nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
