The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
