I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
