That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
