I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
