So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
