Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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