me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
