oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
