wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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