ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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