I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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