U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
