Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
