Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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