im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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