I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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