shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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