True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
