Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
