He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
