I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
