it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
