I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
