I'm sorry my penis didn't work
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
