Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
