If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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