Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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