Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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