There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
