Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
