pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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